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My mother and I are talking on the drive into work these days. My body no longer lets me sleep in until 6, and when I started going back to work after concussion I couldn't drive and then go immediately to screen so I started going in early, eating breakfast and taking a walk on campus, then starting work. That put my commute at the same time as my mother's, and since she's always with her boyfriend these days, the commute is the only time I know for sure she can talk. It appears the amount of time I need between "driving 15 minutes" and "working" has decreased to the amount of time it takes to eat breakfast, which is great, but that's not the point here.
My mother told me during this morning's call that she intends to go on a synagogue trip to Israel this upcoming Passover if it's calmed down over there. My initial reaction: Pesach is a great time to be in Israel! You literally can't NOT keep kosher for Passover over there. You can't get bread anywhere. (Hey, I wasn't quite awake yet. It wasn't yet 7am.) My second reaction: You really think it's going to calm down?
My mom would like me to come with her. At the time, I told her we needed to have this conversation when Katrina could be there. Again, brain not awake. It's not yet 7am. I can't think. The answer is no, I can't go to Israel, and my gut knows that, no matter how much I'd like to go on an Israel trip with her I can't, but my brain can't form the words for why right now. It's not function. My brain won't function. I messaged her a better answer around 8:30: "I can't go to Israel as long as Netanyahu is still in charge. Look at the group from your synagogue who's there now. The Iran war started while they were there.I can't trust that as long as Netanyahu is in charge, he won't start another conflict in order to keep power." This is leaving aside COVID, and trying to figure out what precautions we'll be taking 10 months from now.
I can't stop thinking about this. My parents almost didn't let me go on my high school's study abroad in Israel program. That program was based in a school in a very much not major city (Hod HaSharon), and we had armed guards (shomrim) on all our trips outside the school. No public buses, ever. Israel was not at war in Fall 2009. Now - Israel is at war and my mother wants to plan a trip to Israel and wants me to come with her? What happened to my mother? The answer, I'm sure, is her synagogue with her rabbi whose sermons are very much about Israel. She has a very Zionist rabbi, and she goes to services at least three times a week now.
On that note, what happened to me? When I worked at Andover Newton and the students went on a trip to Israel, all I could think about was when I paid off my student loans and could afford going on an Israel trip. I looked over their itinerary and kept thinking "oh I want to go there!" and wishing I could go with them, even though it was a trip for ministers in training. Now a small part of me wants to go back, but most of me doesn't. Definitely not right now. The largest part of me thinks, "Who deliberately goes somewhere you could get killed? Who deliberately goes somewhere the government is actively killing people, even if it wouldn't be you?" After October 7th there was such a big push for Jews to come to Israel and volunteer at the kibbutzim that were damaged, but I had absolutely no desire to go and volunteer because war. That goes double now that there's a war with Iran AND the Gaza war, and who knows what else Netanyahu's government is going to cook up? So yes - I want to go to Israel with my mother someday. I want to share some of what I experienced previously with her. But omg not now. Not this Pesach.. Not until I feel some sort of security. I know we never know what Israel will be like and we can't plan for Israel to always be safe, but with the current government in charge I feel like it'll always be unsafe.
With that off my chest and processed, I can go back to work now. There's probably more articulating to do, but it's 9:18am and brain.
My mother told me during this morning's call that she intends to go on a synagogue trip to Israel this upcoming Passover if it's calmed down over there. My initial reaction: Pesach is a great time to be in Israel! You literally can't NOT keep kosher for Passover over there. You can't get bread anywhere. (Hey, I wasn't quite awake yet. It wasn't yet 7am.) My second reaction: You really think it's going to calm down?
My mom would like me to come with her. At the time, I told her we needed to have this conversation when Katrina could be there. Again, brain not awake. It's not yet 7am. I can't think. The answer is no, I can't go to Israel, and my gut knows that, no matter how much I'd like to go on an Israel trip with her I can't, but my brain can't form the words for why right now. It's not function. My brain won't function. I messaged her a better answer around 8:30: "I can't go to Israel as long as Netanyahu is still in charge. Look at the group from your synagogue who's there now. The Iran war started while they were there.I can't trust that as long as Netanyahu is in charge, he won't start another conflict in order to keep power." This is leaving aside COVID, and trying to figure out what precautions we'll be taking 10 months from now.
I can't stop thinking about this. My parents almost didn't let me go on my high school's study abroad in Israel program. That program was based in a school in a very much not major city (Hod HaSharon), and we had armed guards (shomrim) on all our trips outside the school. No public buses, ever. Israel was not at war in Fall 2009. Now - Israel is at war and my mother wants to plan a trip to Israel and wants me to come with her? What happened to my mother? The answer, I'm sure, is her synagogue with her rabbi whose sermons are very much about Israel. She has a very Zionist rabbi, and she goes to services at least three times a week now.
On that note, what happened to me? When I worked at Andover Newton and the students went on a trip to Israel, all I could think about was when I paid off my student loans and could afford going on an Israel trip. I looked over their itinerary and kept thinking "oh I want to go there!" and wishing I could go with them, even though it was a trip for ministers in training. Now a small part of me wants to go back, but most of me doesn't. Definitely not right now. The largest part of me thinks, "Who deliberately goes somewhere you could get killed? Who deliberately goes somewhere the government is actively killing people, even if it wouldn't be you?" After October 7th there was such a big push for Jews to come to Israel and volunteer at the kibbutzim that were damaged, but I had absolutely no desire to go and volunteer because war. That goes double now that there's a war with Iran AND the Gaza war, and who knows what else Netanyahu's government is going to cook up? So yes - I want to go to Israel with my mother someday. I want to share some of what I experienced previously with her. But omg not now. Not this Pesach.. Not until I feel some sort of security. I know we never know what Israel will be like and we can't plan for Israel to always be safe, but with the current government in charge I feel like it'll always be unsafe.
With that off my chest and processed, I can go back to work now. There's probably more articulating to do, but it's 9:18am and brain.
